Most people think ritual exists to make something happen. We are so often looking for a “fix”, some effective tool to help us heal, manifest, transform, release, change, become, control….
But if we look at how ritual has been used historically and across cultures for centuries, the central part of ritual is a way of helping us remain truly present with life’s thresholds, challenges, and uncertainties. Birth, death, marriage, harvest, illness, departure, homecoming…. change.
Nobody thought ritual removed uncertainty; it simply gave uncertainty somewhere to live.
The philosopher Bayo Akomolafe talks about with-nessing: witnessing not as a passive observation or watching but staying with something while uncertianty and questions and feelings arise in us. Staying in relationship. Remaining close without analysing.
The word “with-nessing” immediately changes how we think about ritual.
Because ritual isn’t performing. It isn’t productivity. It isn’t optimisation. It isn’t another morning routine, or “routine” at all. (As Day Schildkret points out in his wonderful book “Hello Goodbye”, rituals can look like a routine but the difference is that they’re imbued with meaning and purpose.)
It’s practising staying.
Sometimes those interested in coming on retreat with us say things to me like, “tell me what I need to do to heal/change/find myself again”….
But what if the invitation isn’t to do something? What if it’s to stay with something? To sit beside uncertainty. To listen before rushing to answer. To notice what your body already knows. This isn’t easy by any means! In our hyper-productive world, stillness can be almost painful at times. Sometimes we need support and tools to cultivate the ability to listen to ourselves, to rest, to wait, to allow, to surrender….
I see creativity as another form of with-nessing: when we can truly be in the process rather than the end result, we can enter what’s known as “flow state”: a complete surrender to and immersion in the process, an enjoyment of it such that time itself becomes warped (slowing or speeding up). Ritual is like this: truly “in the moment”, without distraction or overthinking.
Painting without knowing what the end result may be, purely for the joy of it. Writing intuitively and freely, without editing as you go. Moving without choreography or expectations of looking “good”. These are all doorways into altered experience, into the present moment, into flow state; into ritual.
So perhaps ritual doesn’t exist to change us, perhaps it exists to keep us present while change is already happening. Perhaps transformation isn’t something we achieve. Perhaps it’s something we learn to stay close enough to witness, and eventually, to participate in.
Instead of our retreats being about doing this or that practice to become something or someone new, our work focuses on providing the tools and the space and the support to stay with yourself long enough to discover who you already are.
For me, in the midst of a very busy time, prepping for the next retreat (Italy in less than a month!), being a single parent with a home educated 5 year old, juggling various creative and community projects….. it’s so easy to miss out on being present with any of it, within the whirlwind. Ritual is a way to check in with the self amidst the mayhem, to create just a little chink of space for the light of clarity and calm to potentially shine in, and to cultivate that presence that allows us to enjoy and feel each moment of this incredible messy life.